Thursday, June 26, 2008

MY perfect Chemistry match.

I apologize in advance for all the swearing.

OK. I think I am a pretty nice not so gross person, but goddamn it I can't take it anymore. I tried online dating one more time and for the love of god what the hell is going on in the world??? JEEZ USSSS. I need to swear. What the FUCK!!!!!????

Read the profile below that was sent to me today. It was sent to me because the questionnaire I took says we are a perfect match. The camel's back done be broke. This is not the first of these I have received. There's plenty more where it came from. This is the one that pushed me over the goddamn edge. It seems Los Angeles is jam-packed with single middle-aged sally TOOL men. I know. I am being so mean, but "sweetie" here has cracked.

So now I don't give a shit if I never go on another date EVER AGAIN for infinity. MOther F-ING G-D C-SUCKing SHIT CRAP Son of a BITCH. I am going to hell. Somebody put me out of my misery. PLEEZE! I give up. I am not bitter REALLY just gonna never go on a date again. This guy ruined it for me forever. Some booby renaissance milady needs to smack him HARD in his charming prince ASS libation.

Your Wish = My Command
Hi Sweetie, please allow me to introduce myself. I'm Prince Charming! Certainly, you be the judge.

May I have the next dance? But of course, coffee, tea - a libation - would be lovely. Now, did I mention that I'm extra funny & extra smart & extra handsome? Oh, yes, extra modest too. Downright self-effacing if you must know.

I have many sides - please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a renaissance man. I'm a seasoned actor of the stage transitioning to film and TV, happen to have an MA in Philosophy, graduated from Berkeley. I'm also a very successful advertising sales executive by day.

Right now my heart goes out to a certain dog in my life, but is poised for the companionship of a woman who is serene. As she cherishes, adores, and brightens my day with her smile I shall give likewise. Smart shall she be. With a sense of humor or I'll have none. Values her health and beauty. Likes movies, cooking together, dogs, music, the beach, exercise, the smell of eucalyptus in the forest, and her hair shall be of what color it please God.


kim said...

oh my my my my MY!

I'm sure your hair is the color that God pleases...

made me laugh out loud :)

elpear said...

Sounds like a raging narcissist-BE CAREFUL!!Not that you'd want that but the charm thing is so dangerous:0)

sophan said...

that sounds just like my brother mopan!

courtney said...

A date with him would probably start at Medieval Times and end with a creepy massage. Yuck!!!!

tracy said...

You are the so flippin' hilarious. Love you and your blog!

Anonymous said...

what a fucking schmuck. well, it's obviously a standard form letter that he sends out to all the girls. really, how can it not be? the guy has included every and any descriptive bit that he thinks girls want to hear. in other words: all cliches. maybe you should reply that you're not 15 anymore and have given up watching john hughes's movies: and perhaps he should think about omitting clips of dialogue he's picked up from john's movies for fear of the very least: copywright infringement.

i am an online dating veteran (who has also since "given up" as you say)...if i'd received this i'd have assumed it was written by someone who's first language is anything but english: he's probably french, spanish or italian: and nothing wrong with those guys...but they seem to be wrought with cliches.

you know how when someone cuts you off while driving, and you change lanes, speed up and pass him: just to see what a real asshole looks like? might be entertaining for you to meet this guy for a coffee...i mean, aren't you in the least bit curious to see what this guy is like in person (could inspire a painting).

keep that chin up ms. martha: you talented first class lady you!