As much as I love being an artist, there is a downside...like when you have those insecure, crazy feelings like everyone is better than you, getting more jobs than you, and selling more art than you and for more money than you. Guess what? That is what I am doing today. Feeling a little bit panicky and anxious that I will not make it and everyone is passing me by. AHHHH. Stupid.
And to top it all off I have a big client who owes me a nice check and is late paying it and now my carefully budgeted money is dwindling to nothing. Makes me CRAZY!! and very ANGRY and stressed out. Writing it down kind of makes me be able to let it go. There ain't nothing I can do about it. I am trying not to throw myself a pity party because I really have it quite good and this problem is little compared to what others endure. OK I am done. Lovely. Crazy. Fun. Dumb ass.
Still thinking that blogs are weird. I should just be writing this in a journal or something. Jeese louise I have to stop being all insecure today.
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Random thoughts about art, people, freedom, my personal weirdness, being a freelance artist, wigs, living in California, red wine, promoting art, things that are annoying. Just junk n' stuff n' junk. You know?
3 comments:
Yep. Worry is a full-time artist's part-time job.
But hey, you aren't letting it cripple you into not working, like so many artists do. A painting a day is crazy. You are prolific, have a lovely book of your artwork out and have your work on gallery walls and in magazines and all over the place.
I used to worry that no one would ever hire me to paint things. Then some commercial people started hiring me, so I worried that I'd never get a chance to paint anything personal anymore. Now I have opportunities to paint for galleries which makes me worry that I don't have anything truly interesting to say. Then I worry that I might need some more of that soul-sucking educational work (think: paintings of multicultural car washes)to pay the bills while trying to make something that is personal.
When I don't have enough work I worry that I'll never have work, and when I have too much work, I'm pissed at myself for not doing something more valuable with that lost in-between time. A never-ending cycle. yay.
I took a painting to a gallery a few weeks ago, and parked my car outside. I looked at the piece one last time, and wasn't sure if I liked the painting or disliked the painting. Part of me didn't want to take it in. There is always doubt, and it is comforting to know that others have the same thing going on.
I usually feel happy again when I consider the fact that if I didn't question my work and stay concerned with its validity and worry about its purpose - it would probably be very safe and boring work. (as an aside, "Daring" to me is painting larger than 8"x10".)
So there's an upside of being self-conscious. You are at the very least conscious of the work you are putting out, and not all artists are.
Thanks you guys!
Dude. I feel like that more often than I care to admit. And then I snap out of it, just like that. Seriously, I thought I was the only one. It's a relief to know that someone else feels that way from time to time.
Now that that's out of the way -- I didn't know you had a blog! I kept meaning to start one but I'm way too lazy. The freedomwig stuff is awesome, too!
Okay, that's all. Say hi next time you're in SF.
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